You crimson red bloody bitch. The color crimson is described as royalty, nobility, love and affection. Painted on a wall could bring a noble, lovable feeling. Painted in my panties at the most inopportune time only brings hate and disdain. The only time I looked forward to seeing your bloody self was in my younger promiscuous years when I would pray for you instead of a child. As a married adult trying to conceive was impossible. No thanks to mental illness and being required to stay on medication were you able to stay in control and not give birth to a baby. Yes, I could have gotten pregnant. I did not want to be medicated and pregnant. Sure, it was my choice to not get pregnant due to my mental illness and you did not make it easy. You brought on a regularity for some time when I ingested the birth control pill to ultimately keep you from joining me at those most inconvenient times during dating and even working.
The four months I pushed my body to the max during my Army boot camp days was the only time you decided to go incognito. No blood during physical fitness tests. No blood during road marches. No blood standing in platoon formation for what seemed like hours. No blood during our drill practice to become soldiers. I had no hate and disdain for you then. Just appreciation that my body held me in high regards during the most physically, mentally and emotionally trying time of my existence.
I tried to have you removed from my body ultimately to have you win out the battle. Diabetes ran the show in December 2019 and seems to be running this ship now.
The disdain and hate come from a place of you sticking around when I want you gone. I wanted to have a baby. I wanted to conceive a child and feel what it was like to carry a child to full term. I wanted to feel life growing inside me. Was it because of my promiscuous younger years that you kept a baby from me? I don’t understand when I needed you most you would abandon me. You have spoiled a fair amount of my panties it’s absurd. I have spent an obscene amount of money on you to keep you from ruining my clothes. You seep through the liners and soak my jeans. I have scrubbed an enormous amount of work chairs due to your lack of flexibility. After my last manic episode, I had from medication to become a mother I decided to stay off birth control and let you control me. My husband had his vasectomy and so it’s final. No child to call our own. Now the second round to have you removed and you decide that you are here to stay.
Well, fuck you, you crimson red bloody bitch. I pray you shrivel up with the fibroid cysts you implanted in my body. I’m stronger than you. I have dealt with you for years. If you aren’t going anywhere then bring it on. I started walking 1 mile around our neighborhood twice a day to help me deal with the cramps you insist on antagonizing me with. I consume more water on a daily basis to try to flush out the sugars lingering in my blood stream. You may be here to stay. Just know I won’t give up the fight. I’m not going anywhere either. So, if we are stuck to each other I will make up some ground rules.
Ground rule #1 please control my hormones so I can give up being a bitch to my husband during this season of figuring out if you will come or go. I thought I was through with you forever. Since you’re not finished here, please help me cut him some slack. He tries so hard and I allow my hormones to control me and I bitch at him for nothing.
Ground rule #2 give the pill a chance again. If you are going to show your bloody self just come during the time you are supposed to arrive. Please don’t show up when I’m trying to work and can’t get to the bathroom.
Ground rule #3 give me a chance to regulate my body again. Walking is great, water is even better and I will do my best to incorporate meditation into my daily practice as that has taken a back seat. I will give you a chance if you are patient with me. Would you please give me your feedback?
My Dearest Jaqueline,
I never intended to be such a bitch and bring up all this hostility in you. I was and am here for a purpose and though you were unable to birth a child not due to me, only due to your mental illness I am still here to support you. I have and always am a part of your inner self. I thank you for acknowledging my existence and that you had a deep desire to rid of me. My aim is not to bring harm, disdain or hate into your daily life. My only goal is to keep regular and still produce hormones in your young active body.
You are such a gift and you bless and touch all you come into contact with. Please never feel inadequate because in your promiscuous years you prayed for me. You did nothing wrong. You are a brave, beautiful soul and the reason I’m a part of you is, Your Woman Strength. Don’t ever feel embarrassed if I show up unannounced and confuse you with blood soaked jeans. I’m not here to hurt you or keep you in fear from me. I understand you want regularity from me. That is a fair offer and I accept.
Please keep that light in you shining. Maybe something would have gone tragically wrong and your sugars being high are a way to protect you. I don’t have the exact answer but I’m just as much a part of you as the light you bring forth every day. So continue to shine on. Continue to see me as your crimson red bloody bitch. I’m not offended. I hope you can someday see me as royalty, nobility, love and affection. I will be here with you for a while and I will try my best to lay low and arrive every 21 days as instructed by your pill.
Your crimson red bloody bitch,
I thought this conversation would go in a different direction. On July 7, 2021 I had a pulmonary embolism that my body implanted in my lungs. Emergency room doctors said it was because of the birth control pill. How convenient for you. I thought I would be able to handle you. Being off birth control pills and starting on blood thinners made things a bit messy to say the least. My gynecologist inserted an IUD and said I may be good for five possibly six years. One month later you again antagonized my body with cramping that I never experienced in all my years. While trying to go pee it felt like a plug came out and I hemorrhaged.
I ended up back in the emergency room for bleeding. They could not locate the IUD after extensive testing including x-rays and an ultrasound. I contacted my OBGYN and the next day started on progesterone. I came off the blood thinners in September. An entirely different set of conditions occurred being on this great drug that dried me up for three months. My sugars sky rocketed and my hormones being out of whack was another nightmare.
When I returned from a weekend retreat in January, I realized I was done with the progesterone and stopped. My gynecologist informed me I would start my period two days after coming off. Three weeks later you entered as fiercely and as determined as my mind was to rid of you in the first place. I don’t understand how we made these ground rules and conditions that were crystal clear which you agreed to stick to, and you decide to show your bloody self like I have never experienced. You bitch. I will say I was prepared this time. Pads that felt like a diaper I wore with success. You didn’t stain my sheets or seep through clothing. You are a nuisance and I still want you gone.
May 13th, I have a scheduled date to finally have you removed from my body. Since being off the progesterone I am starting to feel like a woman again. My hormones are regulated and my sugars are normal. My libido is in check and I can make love to my husband without any oil to assist with lubrication. I know you must be feeling confused, irritated and lost that I will rid you once and for all from my body. Would you please give me your feedback once again?
My Dearest Jaqueline,
Please know that I love you and will forever remain a part of your being even though you are having me removed. I know you feel sad that you never gave “birth” to a baby and felt that movement in your belly. You don’t have to menstruate to give birth. You are giving birth to new ideas. You are giving birth to new relationships in your life. You are giving birth to your education and you are giving birth to your love for learning. You are also giving birth to yourself by honoring what you need and what you love.
Your desire and passion are as beautiful and uplifting as if a new baby was coming out of you right now. Know you are always loved by me. I will never hate you. I will never harm you and I will take those fibroid cysts along with me when I go. Please know the love in you is a beautiful gift to so many. Please also know it’s ok that I am leaving. It makes you no less of a woman that I am gone. Shine on beautiful soul. Shine bright.
Your crimson red bloody bitch,